On My Mind

Things That Cost More Than They Should

Everyone tells you that being an adult is hard. You’re 7 years old, Bratz pajamas on, empty bowl sitting in front of you after you’ve demolished the ice cream inside it like it was the last thing you’d ever eat, and you demand more. More, I said. GIMME, MUM. MORE!!!

You’re told no. You plan her death. (Okay, not really. I’m a lot of things but a sociopath is not one).

“I can’t wait til I’m a grown up” you spit, absolutely certain you’ll eat bowls of ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner. “Ha! You don’t want to be a grown up, believe me” you are told.

Pfft. You don’t believe her. Why would you?

But oh. Oh, mannn. You don’t wanna be a grown up PURELY because things cost more than they should. As a child, you’re prepared for your adult journey to a degree, sure. But these things? They fucked me up. You don’t even wanna know what they did to my bank account. Please, be warned.

1) Cheese

I love cheese. If there’s anything I’m grateful my mum did, it was make sure there was always cheese in the fridge. Now I have to buy my own cheese, coz life sucks. And you know what? $8. For the cheapest kilo block of tasty cheese. Go on, break the piggy bank. I’ve got a hammer. Oh, you feel like a branded cheddar? Go fuck yourself. $10, minimum. I can’t even afford to LOOK at the fromager d’affinois cheese. $87 per kilo. How the fuck will I ever buy a house?

2) Bed sheets

Buckle your fucking seatbelt. If you’re as naïve as me, you’re about to get whiplash. Say you’ve lived the sweet Kmart life, as I had. Mmm, yes. $8 for the Hazel quilt cover set, or the Rex. Even in a queen size! These are great for when you’re young and reckless. Do 12 shots of tequila and throw up all over your bed. Who cares? You lost $8. Bliss. But, let’s say you’re past your Kmart days. In fact, you’re feeling bougee. Let’s even say you did what I did; laid eyes upon the most gorgeous corduroy covers your sweet little eyes have ever fucking witnessed. You need them, immediately. What you didn’t anticipate is that they’d cost you TWO HUNDRED AND THIRTY DOLLARS FOR A QUILT COVER AND TWO PILLOW CASES. Yep, I’m crying. I can’t even see the European pillow case or fitted sheet prices through the tears, thank god. The irony? Bet I’ll be doing 12 shots and throwing up to deal with this pain anyway.

3) Working with Children’s Check

Okay, this is obscure. Some of you won’t ever need this. But hear me out; I made a fool of myself, god dammit. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I’ve had my hair done at the salon, I’m in the running for a big important new job. Life is good. I think to myself that I should be proactive. Go and get a WWC before you even land the job, Coco! That’ll impress the heck out of your manager-to-be! So I make my way to the post office, confidence trailing out my ass. Hi hello yes one Working with Children’s check, THANKS. Yes, the employee one, hehe. She takes my pic, does some paperwork probably, and then goes “Card or cash?” Card, I say. I look at the little card machine. That fucker. You know what it said? $112. My heart skipped several beats. I stopped, almost choking on the cruel post office air, sure she was wrong. I called her out. “Sorry, it says $112???” She looked at me like I was vermin. I started to feel like I was. Who the fuck can afford that? Not a rat. And not me. She said “Yes. $112”. I had been so fucking certain she’d added an extra 1 to my $12 total. I transferred the money out of my savings and cried myself to sleep that night.

4) Candles

This one is something I’ll never understand. Call me uncultured, please. Because why the fuck would you spend $100 on something that literally burns to the ground and leaves you with nothing? Sure, spend $200 on a pair of shoes. Makes sense, you’ll wear them for years. But a candle? Gone in two weeks. Just like the boys I talk to. I understand candles are beautiful, smell like heaven and make you feel bizarrely calm and put together. But my $5 candles do that just as much. If I’m wrong, go ahead and send an expensive rich-person candle to my PO box. For science. (I love vanilla and floral smells, thanks).

5) Glasses

This one makes me MAD. Here I am, living my life in high definition. Or so I thought. A boy told me that he believed he had perfect vision until an eye test revealed a huge difference with lenses, and this intrigued me. Specsavers, hello. Test me please! The lovely optometrist did her tests, I had air blown into my eyeballs with absolutely no mercy, I had to press some buttons on some machine that flashed lights. Wow! Cool! Fun! At the end, they showed me the lenses that would match my prescription. Ha, ha. Tell me how the fuck the world suddenly became SO CLEAR I PRACTICALLY UNDERSTOOD THE MEANING OF LIFE. Here I was, living my life with what I can only imagine is the vision of 99-year-old HRH Prince Phillip (Vale), thinking I was enjoying some 20/20 shit. How wrong I was. Life had never been so clear with these lenses and I wanted them immediately. My innocent ass got all ready to try on glasses and live this crystal-clear life. So rich, so beautiful. Like the crystals from Crash Bandicoot. Hehe! And then I was quoted $399... And then I took it back; my vision is actually perfect to me, thanks anyway! And then I got up and left the shop. And then I damned god for making it $399 just to see straight. Imagine having to pay to see. To the poor souls who don’t have a choice, you are in my prayers. I’ll just enjoy my inability to read things more than 5 metres away.

<3  Sep 2021